Courage to be disliked

December, 2025

In this book author presents concepts in Adlerian psychology as a dialogue between a philosopher and a novice.The biggest takeaways from this book for me were, self-acceptance, confidence in others, separation of tasks and pursuit of superiority.

"When I change the world will change, no one can do that change for me. I have to have the courage to do the change myself"

Table of Contents

Self-Acceptance

  • “The important thing is not what one is born with but what use one makes of that equipment.”
  • Accept the things you can't change, have the courage to change the things you can change. Know the difference
    • It doesn't matter what your past was, or how did you grow up. What matters is what are you going to do from now on?
    • If you change, the world around you will change
  • We all can make changes to lifestyle as we wish, we are only lacking the courage to do so. Because of that we are making different excuses. Our outlook of life can be changed, it will be challenging but it can be changed with commitment.
  • We cannot alter objective facts. But subjective interpretations can be altered as much as one likes.

Confidence in Others

  • Even if one does not have sufficient objective grounds for trusting someone, one believes. One believes unconditionally without concerning oneself with such things as security. That is confidence.
  • It is precisely because we lay a foundation of unconditional confidence that it is possible for us to build a deep relationship.
  • If one can simply accept oneself as one is, and as certain what one can do and what one cannot, one becomes able to understand that “taking advantage” is the other person’s task, and getting to the core of “confidence in others” becomes less difficult.

All people are my comrades

  • Having unconditional confidence in everyone I came across as they are in my team.
  • comrades
    • Someone who is willing to help if there is a need
    • All people are my comrades, meaning all people I come across are willing to help me if I need them
  • We use anger as a tool to make others to submit to our wishes

Contribution to Others

  • Labor is not a means of earning money. It is through labor that one makes contributions to others and commits to one’s community, and that one truly feels “I am of use to someone” and even comes to accept one’s existential worth.
  • Sense of belonging can be attained by making active commitments to the community
    • A community could be one person, group, animal, or environment
    • Do not cling to the small community right in front of you. There are always other communities who accepts for who you are

Have concern for others and less concern for myself

  • Don’t think other people are here to serve you
  • Always think what I can do for this person. By doing so, we are giving to the community. It is the best way to have sense of community

Interpersonal Relationships

  • All problems are interpersonal relationship problems
  • When you enter into interpersonal relationships, it is inevitable that to a greater or lesser extent you will get hurt, and you will hurt someone, too.
  • Instead of waiting for others to change or waiting for the situation to change, you take the first step forward yourself.
  • There is a cost for freedom in interpersonal relationship, that one is disliked by other people
  • I always hold the interpersonal relationship cards

Power Struggles

  • Even if you are not directly abusive, when you feel genuinely angry due to another person’s words or behavior, please consider that the person is challenging you to a power struggle.

  • Never get into a power struggle because it can not have a good outcome

  • The moment one is convinced that “I am right” in an interpersonal relationship, one has already stepped into a power struggle.

  • If you think you are right, regardless of what other people’s opinions might be, the matter should be closed then and there.

  • Admitting mistakes, conveying words of apology, and stepping down from power struggles, none of these things is defeat.

  • Don’t seek and crave for other peoples recognition

    • It is not necessary to satisfy other people’s expectations.
    • Also, expect other people to not to satisfy your expectations.

Separation of Tasks

  • Separate your own tasks from other peoples tasks. Discard other peoples tasks
  • If there is something you have control over, that is your task
    • Who is getting the benefit of the results of the tasks, that person owns that tasks
      • When the child has made the choice of not studying, ultimately, the result of that decision, not being able to keep up in class or to get into the preferred school. Clearly, it is the child who has to receive it. In other words, studying is the child’s task.
  • You gain freedom by discarding other peoples tasks
  • What other people think when they see your face, that is the task of other people and is not something you have any control over.
  • It's OK to be here and I’m not here to meet other peoples expectations. Same way, other people are not here to meet my expectations
  • In the case of school homework, commanding child to “Do your homework” “You must study” is trespassing on her tasks. Studying and finishing her homework is her task. Offering assistance is parents task
  • Resolving to become a good student is her task because she can enjoy the results of that decision. If she fall back that is her responsibility too.

Horizontal Relationships

  • Horizontal relationships are relationships starts with “equal not same” principle
  • In the relationship we are equal but as individuals we have different capabilities
  • Usually parent-child, manager-employee relationships are vertical relationships where one person has more authority than the other
  • Use words of encouragement not praise
    • Praise usually comes with reward - punishments where we try to manipulate someone to get our own ways
    • “Great work!” Or “Good Job!” Are words to praise someone which creates vertical relationships
    • “Thank you!” Is expression of gratitude where more applicable in horizontal relationships
  • Cultivate all relationships as horizontal relationships.

Pursuit of Superiority

  • We all know what we are lacking, or weaknesses and continue to work on improving ourselves. This is pursuit of superiority. This is not a competition, but moving yourself closer to your ideal self.
  • The knowledge of what we are lacking is feeling of inferiority. It is healthy and can motivate people to improve.
  • Everyone's ideal self is different, therefore pursuit of superiority can't be a competition
  • We all are moving forward, in a flat field. Some are moving faster than others. But everyone is moving forward.
  • When someone come to a conclusion and halt their pursuit of superiority, they might have an inferiority complex. They might use their inferior situation as a reason to not to pursue improvements.
    • I grew up with single parent house hold, therefore I can't have a good family. This is an inferiority complex
    • Usually this happens because people lacks courage

Grateful for being

  • Don’t compare your child to another child or ideal of herself
  • Just accept for who she is and be glad & grateful for her to be just there

Life as a series of moments

  • Do not concern with the reaching the end of the line. Don't make it your life goal.
  • Live each moment and make sure you are satisfied with what you have right now.
  • Live as you are dancing. You are not staying still, you are making a movement and you are enjoying it. Dancing itself is the goal. You could arrive somewhere but that is not the goal.
  • Whatever you are doing, enjoy the moment here and now

Life in general has no meaning, we give everything meaning

  • When a challenge or set back happens, there is no point in looking back. Best to figure out how to move forward
    • An experience of hardship should be an opportunity to look ahead and think, What can I do from now on?